Dr. White Coat vs Dr. Hemp Coat

With my knee on the fritz I decided it was time to visit someone with an actual medical degree from a respected university. As much as I would like, being a master of the College of Google and a WebMD honoree doesn't count as a valid medical license.

As most of you may know, I am slightly granola. A fan of the au natural, if you will. Natural food, cleaning products, basically our entire life style... to include medicine. I question the vaccinations, let my child ''tough out the cough" and offer a glass of water for a headache.

Needless to say, in my search for my own doctor I was shopping in the holistic market. My search was short and sweet {as only ONE doctor in our town practices natural medicine}. I was sure this was just the answer I need and strode willingly into the office. It was vastly different from any doctor I have EVER been to. Top 3 Reasons Why:

Within the first five minutes I was told to lay on a table, listen to some soundscapes and breath. The medical function of this was lost on me. I'm sure the little electrode attached to my ear was measuring something, but all I could think of was sandy beaches and a cool margarita. Waves roll in, waves roll out.

Eventually the nurse came back in, led me into a different room and had me fill out a 42-page questionnaire. Not exactly as relaxing as the previous test and much more invasive. List everything you eat, your breathing habits, sleeping habits, give us a play-by-play of your bathroom activities. Really?

The doc finally came in and asked me the same questions that I just answered on his form. This annoys me for one simple reason: If you give me the form and I take the time to fill it out, then you should take the time to READ it. Why give it to me if you are going to ask me the questions anyway? After the most intense personal interview I've ever encountered, some mild pushing and pulling on my leg {ouch} his insightful medical opinion - inflammation. What. The. Hell.

I need a medical degree.

But, here's where he inserts his holistic-magic-witchcraft-trickery. My inflammation can be cured by a new approach to eating. Because, according to Dr. Advanced-Control-Settings-of-WebMD inflammation is caused by unhealthy intestines. Clear up your intestines and your inflammation is solved. Same with arthritis, upset stomachs, cramping, etc. Luckily I only had one thing to worry about.

His solution was to put me on a diet that consists mainly of dandelion greens and unsalted water to clear my system. Then, I introduce the evil inflammation carriers {i.e. food} one by one until I find the one that starts to cause pain. And obviously obliterate this food group from my diet.

Lord, you'd be one sarcastic Alpha & Omega if you make it chocolate. Please don't let it be the Almond Joy!