The first bit of alone time I've had.... I am hiding inside of a ticket booth waiting until my next pageant begins. This is my life?

Oh well, at least I've got a free minute! So many people have asked me how life is since Alex has returned from deployment. To me, this is such an odd question. Why would life be anything but fantastic since he's been home? The weeks have slowly progressed to normalcy and every day brings something new to look forward to. When we first brought him home, however I was very unsure of what to expect.

Addie and I arrived at the airfield an hour earlier than necessary, mainly because the anticipation was just too much. Neither of us knew what to expect and with her I thought upon seeing him she'd either be completely excited or super shy.

The men began to get off the bus, and all around us people began shouting. This startled her but did not phase her. Then she saw Alex. And went comatose. Just froze. No talking, no movement, just stared straight ahead.

Minutes passed and we weren't sure what to do. So I finally picked her up and the three of us sat inside away from the commotion. We talked slow, tried to explain the situation and I suggested he read to her. It's something she really enjoys doing and she usually gets pretty talkative while reading.

She just sat there.

Then I pulled out her Daddy-doll. Our friend Ashlee gave Addie a doll dressed in camo that you could insert the picture of your soldier where the face was. She carried the thing everywhere while Alex was away, played with him, slept with him. He was the perfect comfort to her.

When I pulled out the doll her face lit up. "Daddy!" she cried. Alex looked like he wanted to toss the doll across the room.

"Addie, look." I said, holding the doll up to Alex's face. I pointed to the doll, "Who is this?"

"Daddy"

"And who is this?" I asked pointing to Alex.

Silence.

This would be harder than I thought.

"Look, Addie." I tried to reason as I sat her Daddy doll next to Alex. "Big Daddy. Little Daddy. Same".

Silence.

It was getting late and Alex had to return to his team to collect his things. Addie and I were going to play at the park while he was gone. Still without speaking Addie got up and followed us out to the car. We drove to Alex's building and as he got out she called out:

"Bye Daddy".

Ever since then, she's become a regular Daddy-shadow. It just took a little bit to sink in.

Disfunctional Apparatuses

(The picture really has nothing to do with the post. I just think she's cute)

The times when I have experienced true happiness in my life have come from a special connection between heart, mind and mouth. This morning I started praying for a union between the three, some sort of truce in which they all proclaim, "Enough is enough. Let's get on the same page".

It is on rare occasion these three apparatuses (Did you know it is not apparati? So says Merriam-Webster. I wonder if it really is octopuses too? I digress.)

Anyway, these apparatuses rarely function in one fluid existence. The majority of time is spent convincing my heart that what my mouth says is truth while my mind is busy devising a plan to supersede both my emotions (heart) and opinions (mouth). The end result is usually an unsure heart, a mouth who's "truth" is often refuted and a mind who is... well losing its mind.

Enter faith. God. My favorite part.

He sees me down here, floundering, and takes the time to present the proverbial smack upside the head coupled with the Fatherly, "Dude. Relax. I've got this."

Instant resolve. Instant peace.

Why doesn't this happen more often? Simple. Because I still think I can be in control. I can be the driver, the navigator and the mechanic all in one. Then I struggle, stress and scream when things don't go the way I planned. When the entire time, if I just took a step back and realized what I've been shown before, the whole mess I've created for myself really wouldn't be that bad.

Example of the day. Military deployments. Let's just say the military gave an arbitrary date of September 1st as they day my husband will return home. Mistake #1: Believing this date to be true. September 1st has come and gone. I am left in the same position I was prior to Sept 1 (sitting here waiting for Alex to come back and not really knowing when that might be). Mistake #2: Allowing my mind to develop a plan that involves fully-functional military aircraft (oxymoron) and a speedy return. Convincing my heart that it will only be a few more hours. And electing my mouth to be the spokesman for the "Let-me-tell-you-how-this-situation-will-be-resolved" campaign. Mistake #3: Continuing to move throughout the week as if all my preparations and campaign promises will really be put into action.

I've spent 48 hours beating myself up. Losing sleep. Trying to fix things out of my control. And of course eating everything in sight. (Why can't I be one of those melancholy people who don't like to eat? Why do I have to be the "please pass the ENTIRE red velvet cake over here so I can wallow in self pity" type? I digress.)

Enter the proverbial a*s kicking.

I woke up this morning and immediately felt relief. I knew Alex would not be home today. And he probably won't be home tomorrow. And that's okay. Because it is not up to me, Alex or even the US Army when he will return. It's in God's hands. I gave everything over to Him and said, "Fine. You think You're a big shot and You can handle all this stress - go for it" (I didn't say I'd hand it over nicely). His response was simple, "Dude. Relax. I've got this".